Great article…but I have to majorly disagree with regards to porn just being an innocent secret.

A relationship is only as good as the number of secrets it keeps. Secrets steal from its potential to achieve intimacy. The two just don’t go together.

I’m not talking about intimacy as having moments of great sex or deep conversation but instead as developing a deep sense of trust in one another. To know that you have each others’ backs.

Porn use isn’t innocent, and it hurts the relationship. Deeply.

Let’s put this way. You moved in together or get married, and agree to keep a joint financial account. Both of you claim you are contributing what you’re making, only she’s not. She’s skimming a bit off the top and putting it away. All the bills are being paid, so what’s the big deal? Who cares she buys a few expensive items on the side. How’s that hurting anyone? Never mind, it’s not what you two agreed on and something you’re not doing. And by the way, you are being a snoop if you start to comb through her spending history when something doesn’t add up.

Or, how about this example. I once counseled a woman who’d participated in the swinging lifestyle with her husband. They had rules that governed such relationships. Sexual contact outside of those boundaries was considered cheating. Their private arrangement required full transparency and loyalty to work.

Intimate relationships expect each partner to be transparent and to live within the agreed upon guidelines. That’s what creates a sense of safety and encourages the relationship to grow.

Hanging out in your man cave with dick in hand while watching porn is straight-up cheating. You are fantasizing about f**cking a woman who’s not your partner or wife. Sorry dude, not cool. And it doesn’t matter the whole world is doing it, that still doesn’t make it right.

Honestly, I don’t get all this quibbling about the problem with porn. It’s one thing if the two of you knowingly agree on the use of it as part of your sexual practice, but sneaking around and claiming it’s normal is deplorable. It’s childish behavior, the same as getting your hand caught in the cookie jar just before dinner.

And, claiming there’s something wrong with your partner for having a problem with it, is a form of gaslighting.

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Psychologist/Author. Quora & Medium Top Writer. Mom of three, Autistic woman, Relationship expert kerry@kerrymcavoyphd.com

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