Thank you for this powerful statement. Yes, I finally came to this point — realizing I was undermining the integrity of myself — and I left.
As to secrets and intimacy, I think you and I are looking for different things in a relationship. Secrets don’t work for me. I’m not talking about needing to know what he bought for breakfast or which colleague he ate lunch with. I’m referring to who’s he telling he loves and texting after hours. Who’s he calling and chatting with about intimate details of his life.
See, what I didn’t get into in this article was my ex was a serial cheater. Unbeknownst to me, he was seeing and f**king many other women. He lied about that as well. He lied all the way to the very end. At that point he finally admitted that while he destroyed my social life by being raging paranoid over me having close relationships with others, he was in love with others and maintained secret contact with them. Yes, he was an abusive, controlling, and manipulative man.
There was a lot wrong with our marriage. All could have been avoided with honesty. Granted I missed the signs, which was my job. I know that. I’m getting better at understanding my role. The point of the article, however, was deceptive sexual practices can be a major problem. It certainly was for me.
And you’re right; I object to my partner using porn. To each his/her own. That may be a relationship enhancer for you, but it’s a relationship killer for me.