Thank you for this vulnerable look into your life. I’m so sorry to hear of your struggles. That it cost you your marriage. Your decision to not put another partner through betrayal trauma is huge.
I appreciate your feedback about my story. I did a survey of the latest articles and research on the connection between narcissism and sexual addiction. It’s difficult to say which comes first — a bit of a chicken or the egg problem.
Healthline.com outlines nine characteristics of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. They are:
9 official criteria for NPD
- grandiose sense of self-importance
- preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
- belief they’re special and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people or institutions
- need for excessive admiration
- sense of entitlement
- interpersonally exploitative behavior
- lack of empathy
- envy of others or a belief that others are envious of them
- demonstration of arrogant and haughty behaviors or attitudes
I’m thrilled to you hear you are one of the rare sufferers of sexual addiction who don’t have narcissistic traits. Unfortunately narcissism or sociopathy often co-occur with this disease.
It makes sense why if you think about it.
You have to make it a regular practice to lie while simultaneously shut off feelings of empathy about what you are about to do or are doing to your partner.
Then there are the relationships you are cultivating for your next conquest. Unless you are an unusual person, you probably use words of affection to engender feelings of warm, trust, and even love with this person. She’s starting to feel something more for you (since that’s how most women are wired). Only you aren’t, you are planning to use this relationship for sexual release — so you are deliberately misleading her.
So far, you have checked off two characteristics of a narcissist:
*Use of others for selfish purposes, and the use of deception (interpersonally exploitative of others)
Then there’s the fact you are doing this behavior. Why? What makes you so special that the ordinary rules of life don’t apply to you? I’ll bet if you tune into your thoughts you will hear yourself say you deserve to act out. You’ve earned. After all, you’ve been putting up with shit all day. It’s just this one time (although you and I know what a big lie that is). Do you hear it? All that grandiosity and entitlement.
Then, hidden inside of the entitlement is the belief that you are unique, which justifies the acting out. Your fantasy life most likely supports this self-perception with it’s images of you being fawned over, in control of other, or being adored by others. In them, you are a god who is worshipped, if you are anything like my ex.
Ok so now we have identified four more symptoms of narcissism for a total six. Now it’s really not looking good.
We don’t need to go anything further, because I think you can see my point.
I think the shame associated with this disease results in many addicts developing narcissistic traits; but I also think it is an attractive way for NPD to get the attention they crave. As I mentioned, it is definitely a chicken and a egg problem.
BTW, I re-read my article. I never made a direct connection between sex addict are narcissism. I don’t believe that, and it’s not true, although most SA’s are.
I said my ex is one.
Thank you once again for your thoughtful comment. This has been a very fascinating topic. I have appreciated it. Now I have another idea for a follow-up article.
Here are the articles that take a closer look at the correlation between NPD and Sexual Addiction.