Yeah, me neither. It makes me sick to my stomach.

I still remember how it felt to read the letter sent from one of the other women (women being the operative word- something I know now but didn’t know then) and going into complete shock. My mind went white. Blank. As if in overload. The two realities smashed into each other — what I thought I knew and what was real.

The sensation of not knowing what was real versus not real was so mind-blowing and confusing that I lost all connection with the world. For a few seconds I no longer even knew where I was. I became disoriented at all levels.

You know I don’t think much of my ex anymore. He walked out of my life a year ago this month. Good riddance.

But writing about experience fills me with hatred. He terribly hurt me. Nearly destroyed me. Who does that? Seriously?

That day I learned the man I thought I knew and married never existed. My ex fabricated and sold him to me. To knowingly conceive of such a plan and then to execute has to be one of the most vile things anyone could do to another human being.

People, mostly men, like to tell me there are worst betrayals. That sexual deception isn’t that bad. They then tell me it’s not the same as being brutally beaten, for example.

They are talking to the wrong person. I’m one of the rare people who’s experienced a variety of abuse. So I know firsthand. I am in the unique position to compare experiences. I’ve been physically abused, emotionally neglected, and raped.

What my ex did to me was the worst. It was the most abusive experience of my life.

So others can try to package it up any way they like. But living a double sexual life, and that includes beating the monkey in the basement to porn, hurts. It will destroy your relationship with your partner. Keeping secrets will erode and sabotage any efforts to build intimacy. The two cannot co-exist.

Thanks for commenting and reading my work. It means a lot to me.

-Kerry

Written by

Psychologist/Author. Quora & Medium Top Writer. Mom of three, Autistic woman, Relationship expert kerry@kerrymcavoyphd.com

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