…diction can be defined as prolonged, self-destructive behavior that one does because it feels good, I would surmise the author is more an addict, who needs help, than the cheating spouse. I have to conclude that the charms, romance, and even lovemaking was so pleasurable to the author that she chose to ignore the toxic elements of the relationship — not unlike a heroin or sex addict. Leaving a toxic relationship is as difficult as beating a bad …
You are partly right and partly not.
I don’t know how much you know of my history. I’ve written about it. If you have the full picture, this relationship makes more sense. Young childhood survivor of horrific abuse and chronic emotional neglect did not give me the best of foundations. I found a very faithful, honorable man who was as broken as me. We had a stable marriage for 31 years until he died at 52 of cancer.
To say I was bereft is an understatement. It was then I made this tragic mistake. I met the sex addict one year later and was overwhelmed by the romance of it. He kept enough of it going until we married eleven months later. Please, please hear me — this guy is no Don Juan, which honestly makes this sadder. Today I would have been out of there shortly after “hello.”
So to characterize me as a “love addict” is inaccurate and harsh. I was a grieving widow who was desperate and very unhappy with the newness of my unfortunate situation. I now think this man targeted me. It was a long con, I’m very embarrassed to admit.
However, my earlier trauma made me highly susceptible to develop betrayal bonds (identified by Patrick Carnes and shares a lot of similarities with Stockholm Syndrome).
Yes, it was hard to leave. More because I doubted my ability to go it alone than I was that enthralled with him. He was an asshole at the end. Sex dried up before the wedding, so I didn’t stay for the sex — which by the way was always a joke — it was that terrible.
No, my paralysis had to do with me, not with his charisma or the “goodies” from the relationship, because there wasn’t that much for most of the brief marriage. He was master at subtle cruelty, deception, and creating doubt.
I hope this picture helps. I am not addicted. I am a trauma survivor of horrific abuse and was set up perfectly to be this guy’s “patsy.” My son’s illness gave me the final needed solidifying of strength to leave. I would NEVER EVER go back. I don’t care what he did or say. Most of his other exes still would despite his flagrant abuses.
And it’s funny you don’t characterize his behavior as addictive. If it’s not, what is it? He was fucking upward to seven women, sexting nearly 50, and soliciting prostitutes with great regularity when he met me. He beat off multiple times a day. Lost a job every year or two. And, was broke. So what do you call that?
He, himself, has self-identified as a sex addict. We met a Certified Sexual Addiction Therapist who completed an assessment and diagnosed him as suffering from Severe Sexual Compulsive Disorder. The intensive treatment program we attended concurred.
He’s not an addict? Are you saying this is normal behavior? Not in my world it’s not.